We're talking... but are we really?

Tweet


I've been thinking of writing about this for a while, though I will confess I have talked about it with a few friends multiple times. It's something that bothers me about technology.

And yes, I'm going to quote "You've Got Mail" again to make a point, this will happen a few times in this blog.

Kathleen Kelly: People are always saying that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all... has happened.

What I'm talking about is how people communicate. Or how they really don't any more. When's the last time an old friend of yours called you up out of the blue, just to chat? I honestly say that there is only one person off the top of my head that calls me regularly and I call her for the distinct purpose of hearing her voice and ... oh my goodness... chatting. Unbelievable! Why doesn't she just gchat me? Text me?

The reason is simple. And even me trying to express why won't really capture all that I'm trying to say. But I go. It's as close as we can get (w/o needing a computer and camera for Skype) to hanging out for a few minutes since we don't get to see much of each other in person. Do we text? Yes. Do we gchat? Occassionally. Do we write on each other's FB walls? Yes. But this is not the foundation of us seeing how the other person is and hearing their voice. We genuinely enjoy asking "what's new," "how's work?", "how's school." And I'm count myself lucky for it.

I'm pretty much tired of solely relying on "text" whether a SMS, email or chat, for talking to people. I don't think a normal conversation should be had through text messaging. If you can take the time to type those words to me and press send four detailed texts... why not just press the other "send" and ring me up, save you the finger exercise? I have a guy friend, who when I do talk to him every few months, it is not through electronic messages, and I have to say, it's always refreshing. Especially, to me, when words are really only a small fraction of interpersonal communication- they lack/misrepresent tone and body language.

I recently worked with a guy who was very bothered by the lack of tone in electronic messages, and he could be very amusingly vocal about his feelings on this topic. Emails and text messages frustrated him, because he wasn't sure if the person sending them were being bossy or informative. Demanding or sarcastic. Rude or playful. Think about it. How many times do you misinterpret a message, only to find out later that it was meant to come off in a totally different way? This bothers me! I always knew too, when I'd send him an email for something, that he was probably going to misread my attitude, even though I did my best to sound positive-happy-cheerful-please-do-this-when-you-get-a-moment. At least later we would then be able to talk about it in person and even sometimes bash how complicated communication can be sometimes. I mean, think of how many people in your professional life who you've ever sent an email to yet you have never had either a face-to-face encounter or a long enough working relationship to get a hold of their personality? You're hand hovered over pressing "send" because you worried they might taken the message the wrong way. Why? Fifty percent of emails are misinterpreted.

And I appologize but another "You've Got Mail" quote is required, though sadly, I do suggest that the only way you will really understand why I'm using this is to go and watch it, if you haven't already. The word I'm focusing on is her usage of "Yes".

Kathleen Kelly: I only know him through the, uh... you're not going to believe this...
Joe Fox: Oh, let me guess. Through the Internet?
Kathleen Kelly: Yes.
Joe Fox: Hmm. You've... got mail.
Kathleen Kelly: Yes!
Joe Fox: Some very powerful words.
Kathleen Kelly: Yes...

She says "yes" with three very very different tones. The first one she sounds ashamed "You got me. you figured out my dirty little secret." The second is "That's it! I look forward to those words every time I sign on!" The third is, "I agree absolutely and completely." She's almost in awe someone else feels the same way. But did you get those different tones from just reading it? I don't think so. (I said that in my mind like that kid that that movie ... Idon'tthinkso!)

Here's the thing-

I can be a very sarcastic person, depending on who I'm around. Some people have called me "sassy." Yet I've realized, when chatting online, this part of my personality typically is misinterpreted as me being serious or rude... and this can land me in trouble occasionally... cue "My Stupid Mouth." What was meant to be funny was assessed completely and utterly the wrong way. And then I curse at technology for misrepresenting my actual tone. In regards to body language, even the stupid emoticons do not fully capture facial expressions when you you throw in a message in an attempt to show the person how your face would look if they saw you. In my opinion there are several ways to stick out your tongue at someone - ranging from flirty to obnoxious. Am I right? I definitely know that :D and :) do not capture when I'm being sheepish.

And here is where it gets pathetic.

That is from my latest phone bill. (Yes I pay, yes I don't mind. Yes, I know you most likely think I am crazy for what I just said.) Anyway. SEVEN MINUTES?! That's all??? A whole month and I've only spoken on the phone 7 minutes. And I'm pretty certain that a majority of those were phone calls from or to my family. Which is nice, but not my point.



By all means, I am not asking for every one of my contacts to suddenly rush to their phones and start calling me. But I do miss the days, you know, pre-caller-id... when the phone would ring and someone would yell up, "Al! Phone call!!" And I'd rush to get the handheld (or pull on the cord, if I'm really going back) and then jump on my bed and talk for at least 20 minutes... usually it was for 45minutes to over an hour. Geez! Can you even imagine talking to someone on a phone for that long today? What in the world would we talk about for that long??? Sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get to to "How are you?... What's new?... I've been doing ___."

We're so busy running around these days, not to mention what social media has done to our attention spans, I feel we're loosing touch with everyone who really matters. Maybe I'm being to nostalgic for the old days (give me a phone with a cord like in those 90s sitcoms.) but I hope someone feels the same. I'm looking for more meaningful conversations than a moment on gchat that is already full of effortless LOLs and hahas in replace for actual responses (Not all New Yorkers are like that- in reference to the article). Maybe those days of long conversations are gone with the wind, I'm just hoping we don't loose them completely.